Please read the entire share before you choose to share your words or reactions. This is a complex story – not unique to me. I am not willing to remain silent, yet, I am being discerning with what details need to be shared with the intention to break the silence, for myself and others. These patterns are far too common…for women, mothers, partners, children.
What is it I’m seeking with sharing this? This is sharing My Truth. I don’t seek anyone’s pity. I seek Truth and that may we empower each other to see and know the flags, break our own patterns that draw us into these toxic scenarios, and have courage to do what is necessary for our wellness.
I’ve turned off the comments. Yes, there needs to be a dialogue around these issues these happenings…it’s not one person or a few people’s “fault” for how things unfold. This is a community, intergenerational issue…If there is something you need to share with me, please private message, with grace and from Love. I focus on soul-utions. My intention by sharing this, isn’t to create shame or ask for anything. However, we need to honestly face the shadows before just throwing solutions. We have to see them to heal them; Feel it to heal it. Part of my healing process is also being transparent with what happened and my process so far…and where Life is taking me because of it.
Each of the Four Parts to this larger work will be released separately. At the end of each will be some resources that have helped me through the journey so far. These will be continually updated. Feel free to DM any books/resources/accounts you found helpful and I will reshare.
Part One: The Lioness is Out of Her Cage: Courage to Break the Silence & Poetry to the Gaslighting Narcissist I Loved
Part Two: Soul Contracts, the Grandeur of our Cosmic Architecture
Part Three: Kintsugi, the Path of Rebirth & Life Beyond the Phoenix
Part Four: Our Relations are a Direct Mirror of our Relationship to the Earth
Part One: The Lioness is Out of Her Cage: Courage to Break the Silence & Poetry to the Gaslighting Narcissist I Loved
Dedicated to the empaths and anyone who’s been in deep with a narcissistic…lover, family or friend, the patterns are the same: lies, manipulation, stripping you empty of your sense of Self, your inner knowing. May the veil lift and may you find your strength. We are not alone.
To preface, my son’s father and I are co-parenting and have not been in a relationship for over two years.
Where to start…but I have to, I must. Silence is not an option.
My Lioness, my voice, my inner child, has been silenced too long.
This is for all of us that have been painfully silenced for most of our lives.
Just over a year ago I released my second baby back to the cosmic mother. This is not an easy story to share. There are many parts to this, I invite you to this sharing of My Truth and what I’ve lived. This is far beyond than this one experience I’ve had…this experience was woven into an intricate design that is this lifetime…and my Soul’s journey.
This is a story of open-hearted love, being broken by manipulation, lies, death and the path to rebirth. A story of my journey to realize how my self-worth was deeply entangled with others’ perception and respect of me, bringing awareness to old and unknown patterns of rejection, people pleasing, self-abandonment and self-sabotage. A journey to true self-love…through boundaries, discernment and reclaiming my intuition.
This first part is my human; a sharing of the experience my human had – the physical and emotional reality of being human – of loving, being deeply betrayed and losing myself, through the form of a sort of open letter/poem to this person.
Note: I am discerning what was part of the relationship and that which was his mistreatment of me. The latter will be my focus, rather than our relationship dynamics…because a perfect relationship doesn’t exist…we all come with wounding and we do our best to show up. My focus will be on the gaslighting, manipulation, deceit and intentional betrayal, the taking advantage of my body without my consent and putting me, my body and a baby in an unsafe situation.
I release the deep anger through this short part, so I can continue to spiral through the healing. I know it may create waves within you, but it lays a foundation for the next three parts and much more of the writing that has been brewing from my Soul.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and presence.
“I was going to tell you…after the baby was born,” he Confessed.
You are a wounded and broken man who broke me in all the places my family made cracks.
I have deep compassion for you and your journey, but also, Fuck You! I saw you.
I saw your soul…I saw the evolutionary path you’ve been on and wanted to accept and appreciate you…where you were on your journey.
We did have beautiful powerful, magical, beyond time and space moments. We had a friendship. In a conscious relationship…yes we take responsibility for our own process and emotions…but you used this so intelligently against me by gaslighting me…tricking with spiritual bypassing and spiritual reasoning to make me slowly, confusingly, mistrust myself.
You impregnated me without my consent. You betrayed my trust and gaslit me throughout it all, slowly and painfully destroying me inside out…It’s not ok.
There are consequences when you take advantage of a woman’s body and the beauty it serves to be the only vessel for human life. We are the ONLY creature on this planet that is capable of holding human life…and you thought it was ok to play with that…It’s not ok that you thought you could tell me of your deceit after our baby was born. I know I deserve being told the truth – not the mistreatment of a coward. It is profoundly irresponsible to me and to the human you would call your child. There is great responsibility to bring children into this world.
FRIENDS, I SAW ALL THE RED FLAGS and still, put my screaming intuition aside to appease “is this for my growth?” bullshit because he manipulated me so cleverly. I wasn’t aware of all the gaslighting cues or narcissism, nor viewed him that way because, being an empath and wounded myself, I chose to see his goodness and chose to have compassion for his past. Sure, I wish I had had these tools to see through it all, but my intuition was strong, and I kept justifying other ideas…and yes, now I know I was right all along, not crazy, not unreasonable.
It took so much out of me to finally set a boundary…AND follow through with it. Except for my father, and now another family member, I’ve never “had” to cut anyone out of my life. I AM LOVE. I welcome everyone as they are and choose to engage however we can meet each other. However, this person, I have had to cut out. It’s painful for people like me…perhaps our lack of boundaries permits too many in, and they feed off of our goodness. I am more discerning, but not, not Me, my true essence of Love. I allowed myself to grieve the baby, being lied to and the unfairness of it all – but mostly, I grieved the fact that I lost someone I truly cared about – here I speak of my father, this lover, and now a sibling.
For those who knew what was going on, thanks for your support through this tremendous journey. Thanks to all the new people in my life who really showed up and supported me (and my family!) through this. It’s been an incredible experience.
From a higher perspective…sure…I see and feel the lessons. Of course I am grateful for everything that has transpired. It couldn’t have been any other way. He was my mirror…my soul counterpart to teach me about CHOOSING myself…about true discernment, boundaries and what self-love is really about. It’s still not ok that he took advantage of my trust, my goodness and body. I do not know how the drugs of the abortion may affect future pregnancies…I trust the process yes, but I also believe in accountability and justice. We are human after all. My divinity has mercy on him and I see the bigger picture, however, it is not ok that he played with my body/time/energy/life and lied so irresponsibly. What does justice look like? I can’t answer this, but I write this piece with the intention to remind women…we are worthy of Respect, honest love and devotion.
Healing is going from Why to Thank you
So dear one,
Thank you
For showing me depth of being human and divine.
Thank you for activating me beyond what I thought was possible in my previous versions.
Thank you for connecting me to God and thank you for initiating me with the choice of choosing death.
Thank you for showing me the depth of my sorrow and actually feel my heart shattering to a thousand pieces and every time I came back to love, my true essence, I felt the pain of my heartbeat…
Thank you for showing me how much I can love… how openly and lovingly I can love. How that same love could blind me into being manipulated and destroyed…
Thank you for taking me to my death…so I may CHOOSE to live as a new woman…
and choose life, a rebirth, through death…through this destruction.
Thank you for showing me a little more of what a wounded human is truly capable of…
Of how even with being loved, it can sabotage the most beautiful canvas and set it on fire.
Thank you for incarnating into this form, this form that challenged and abused me…even if it was unconsciously…thank you for being so strong…and determined to live your life with a “fuck it” approach…and choose to continue thinking I’d stay. You don’t get a woman like me twice. You take us for granted…and there is no return. Still, I opened a space for us to have some conscious reconciliation…to speak the unsaid, to love in ways we didn’t before because of the lack of communication and devotion (on your part)…and yet, you still took my kindness for granted.
You don’t get a woman, friend, person like me twice.
Thank you dear one.
For empaths like me, healing is also:
“Thank You and Fuck You”, as I place and follow firm boundaries while being grateful for the experience.
Holding this complexity of both sides, is truly an art. After all, we are Human and Divine.
Of course my human was hurting. This last year, my human body was recovering from the trauma, the abortion drugs, the pain, confusion and unbelievable feeling from being lied to over and over again, the hormonal shakeup from all the gaslighting and post-partum, and all the mental energy exhausted by my mind trying to rationalize the whys…even though I know that how he treated me was not a reflection of who I am, but his internal struggles. After this challenging experience and that of my narcissistic family members, I now know (not just read on paper), that there is NO rationalizing with narcissists. It’s a hard thing to truly understand after being tormented, but I have found peace once I’ve stepped back and the veil lifted. I have not even touched much on the complex decision I had to make with terminating a pregnancy – a decision I didn’t take lightly, but it became very clear. I will share more about that journey in a future post.
Yes, my human is still healing, but I am taking care, I have been doing the work to process and integrate this; I am still resting, nourishing my mind/body and I’m blessed with incredible people in my life.
I want to make clear that me acknowledging this other perspective, doesn’t make ok the disrespect that I experienced by him or others, but it a part of my process of transforming, reframing this experience. This acknowledgment is also not a form of forgiveness to him or the others, because my views on forgiveness are perhaps more unique than most (which I eventually write about). Right now, I am still deeply traumatized and I’ve started the process of healing by working through forgiving myself for “falling into this trap” more than putting my precious energy to “forgive”another.
There is so much more depth to this experience. I wrote this not to shame him or for vengeance…this experience is far too common; the stories of narcissistic abuse in families, domestic situations, friendships…this duality is everywhere, yet so many of us (with big, open hearts), fall into these energetic traps…some spend their lifetime stuck.
This was my invitation to choose differently. I reveal more in the next section.
I invite you to read Part Two: Kintsugi & Life Beyond the Phoenix – a more uplifting and refreshing perspective after the heaviness of this transmission.
Like I said at the beginning, this beyond Me and this one experience I had…this is so much more: Karmic Contracts, Spirit babies, Intergenerational & Ancestral Wounds…healthy, conscious relationships and the deep shadow of narcissism playing in our relations.
I appreciate you journeying with me through all the insights this deeply transformative experience has brought forward. If any of this resonates with you, may you too find peace on your path. May we all find courage and strength to speak our Truth and in doing so, give permission for others to face their traumas as well. Together we walk the path of healing and reveal the path of beauty that is coded within us all.
Blessings & Gratitude,
Audrey
Resources
The Empowered Empath by Judy Dyer
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