Part Two: Kintsugi & Life Beyond the Phoenix

I was broken, and put myself back together, piece by piece…with golden intention and self-initiation, I forged myself back to life.

If you have no idea what I’m referring to, I invite you to read Part One.

No One is Coming to Save You. Healing, Growth & Expansion are Inside Jobs that Polish Us into a Cosmic Work of Art that Does Take Lifetimes to Master.

Some of you have wondered why I didn’t say anything sooner…to reach out for help while this was all happening. I understand. I’ve been there and also wanted to help friends going through tough times.

However, this was an inside job. This was a karmic poisoning that had to be healed by myself only. That’s right, no one is coming to save you, however, this cosmic plan is far greater than we can see while we’re in it. I had many earth angels who held space for me and held me so dearly with patience and love…and always reminded me to return to this healing journey with grace. I didn’t want to be in victim mode (even though I acknowledge that it’s a necessary part of the journey) but also needed to process my anger and shock. They still linger in my body, so as I am writing this, there are still some of those energies to move through and transmute, however, not nearly what I was feeling earlier this year. 

In my situation, only I could walk away. Only I could say “No More” and break the cycle.

I believe the right people appear in our lives at the right moment. My earth angels really showed up to help me through the messy physical aspects of this journey. Many who supported from a distance with prayers and energetic support and a dear circle of friends who showed up in real, practical ways like either with holding me while I cried so much or nourishing me as I gained my strength again (not just postpartum, but as my body was processing the loss, grief, anger…it’s draining!) I shared with those who I felt I needed to share with at the time…sometimes yes, slipping into victim mode while processing the anger and hurt of betrayal, but having these friends to lean on, was gold! What a precious gift to have trusted friends talk things out loud with, to remind me over and over of my strength and worthiness and to laugh with, to return to my life. I didn’t want to speak publicly from that place…of rage or to shame him because I did eventually see the karmic contract and I knew I would get through this messy part. There are so many layers to this and so many places from which to look at this: the human, the cosmic…the ancestral…

What does putting yourself back together look like?

Yes. I was angry! I was enraged! What happens when a woman loses her sense of self & her intuition is challenged? Her sanity questioned…and especially by a delusion & wounded man? This is how we break…how we become bitter…and yes, we may still choose the path of love and healing, yet we are forever changed with the experience of being disrespected. 

The Art of Repairing yourself piece by piece looks like…

Complete surrender

Making decisions that I never thought I had to make,

Stepping into the discomfort of letting someone go

Welcoming the ego death of the securities that create the illusion of safety in our relations.

Piece by piece was,

At times last year, it was one hour or moment at a time,

Allowing tears, or rage, or deep sadness,

Slowing down

Processing the whys (of why someone who says they love you, does these things – I know differently now)

Choosing to staying home to rest and let my nervous system heal

Choosing me over the world

Eating well, detoxing physically and energetically

Protecting my energy

And carefully,

Rebuilding my intuition.

Piece by piece was also,

Pieces of self love, which are really, pieces of a knowingness that I am worthy of love & respect.

But the most important piece was the first. The final goodbye to this person, because in that moment inside I felt a shift, a moment of knowing, the veil had lifted and I felt it all…the truth, his truth, in front of me, and I chose myself, peacefully and without doubt. No anxiety later, no sense of wondering about the what ifs anymore…it was the finally walking away that gave me strength to face the months of deep shadow work to come.

Born with a Divine Resilience 

I know what I write may seem like “too soon” for the depth of trauma I lived. There are still moments and days when I wake up and think “Wow, did all that happen? Was it real?” I know this is the trauma speaking…hidden deep. I took me months to unfreeze…and even though I have come to terms with the experience with that person, there are still moments that it feels like I was in a bad dream and I’m waking up from the nightmare. It felt like entering another realm, and when I walked away, I exited it and the portal closed. Have you ever experienced something like this? It really felt like I was in another dimension for a year. Indeed! Cosmic life school!

However, dear ones, we are quantum beings…there is no linear path to healing, nor is there linear time…healing is a change in frequency. Healing is energetic. Beyond checkpoints… it resides in the heart. And our true heart, doesn’t exist as the beating organ…our true heart exists across 144 dimensions of time and space…it is the bridge between our soul and all the versions of ourselves. So, I write about a person who intentionally hurt me, consciously made some insane decisions…and yet, I still have love for him and his soul. I have a chosen to take active responsibility of my healing process and not allow the victim stage to passively program my life – I already experienced that with my father and now I am more aware and taking action. So, as I am still clearing some things, I am simultaneously an open heart with love for people like that. And, simultaneously, I will reinforce, that Me, feeling a certain sense of moving on/letting go, doesn’t justify or make ok his actions that resulted in some serious consequences for my body. Yes. Both.

I am not “healed.” I am not sure if that is ever the case as humans, where we can be fully healed. We take our wounds within us, and have a choice of remaining a victim of the experiences, or we love and integrate them, so they become a part of us, to grow into the new version of ourselves, with that new experience…so, I’d say, we can never truly be healed, rather reborn and reborn and reborn. 

We are Human! An exquisitely designed species! We are born with a divine resilience. Isn’t that what we are actually drawn to when we watch a film or hear a story that pulls our heart strings? It’s not just the pain as suffering of the protagonist, but it’s the strength that comes afterward from their journey… seeing how the person in the story made it through their challenges. We are all made of this “stuff”…the resilience, the perseverance and the courage to face life day after day, even in our darkest times. We have to grow through the mud to flower as the lotus…and we have to break through the cocoon for our butterfly wings to fulfill their purpose. These darker moments are an invitation to grow…it’s certainly ok to linger through whatever needs to be faced, and with courage, support and facing these shadows, there is hope to be reborn.

Healing is an distinct journey for each one of us…time is relative and healing is not linear. I honour each person’s individual journey and the divine timing of each step. 

Healing is reframing and transcending this lived experience, which I will explore in Part Three.

Life beyond the Phoenix

How will trusting someone again play out? I already feel I have a wall up to open my heart to another man or friend. How will I know they’re being truthful? I am committed to rebuilding my intuition and I know it is my nature to love. And love deeply. Walls feel unnatural. Boundaries feel unnatural. I am learning. 

The real tests are coming, but I know in my bones, I am stronger with boundaries and a shell of “don’t fuck with me”…and also, my heart has grown! I know that life is always going to be this journey and I am a curious adventurer in my heart and soul…so I welcome it…learning always. 

Dear community, clearing someone from your life is a process. We exchange so much energetically and physically (really, it’s all energy), so take are of yourself (yourselves, your layers of your being). Ask for help, get the right help…each one of us might need different support, but in order to fully move through the pains, we also need to take responsibility of ourselves. Drink water, REST, take space (yes fun, social distractions are necessary at times to help boost us, but feel the joy of being alone with yourself). See the right people for support to detox your body, your cells, your womb, do some energetic cleanses (and ask for help if you need to know how), and protect your energy while you are separating yourself from this person or people. 

To all the narcissists, my prayer for you is I hope you find the courage to face yourself. I hope you find your people…who will show you what love and community really is…so you feel inspired to do what your soul truly wants you to do – and that life takes you where you need to go for your highest good.

To that person who I shared this wild trip, I saw it…I saw the man that you are behind the facade of your ego…behind the perfectionism, the performative everything, behind the old patterns so engrained in your blood. Dear One, stop making excuses for yourself. I know you desire to be the greatness I saw and witnessed. That side of you peeked out once in a while, but like Jekyll and Hyde, you switched to the egocentric version of you that brought you safety. Beautiful Soul, only you can face your shadows head on, none of us on the outside can do this for you.

My Heart is still healing. And yes I know it is still pulsing for life. I never give up. I still danced, laughed, savoured delicious food, made art, spent time with my son and friends, explored nature…I still did the things that brought me joy, WHILE exploring my shadows, while exploring the patterns of why this immense situation presented itself now. I’m still peeling back the layers (many of which were rooted  my childhood, and many felt ancestral). And within that exploration, I am celebrating myself every step of the way. 

It is no simple feat to be a human. We are intricate and complex, yet powerful and vast! We are constantly shifting, transforming, dying and being reborn.

Thank you for your time and presence and grace in reading my journey. Part Three presents the macrocosm of this microcosm I’ve lived. I invite you to continue reading…Part Three: Soul Contracts, the Grandeur of our Exquisite Cosmic Architecture

Blessings and Deep Gratitude, 

Audrey

Resources

Understanding and Reframing Trauma: Dr. Gabor Maté’s large repertoire

Dr. Nicole Le Pera: Instagram @the.holistic.psychologist + her books

Narcissist Psychology:

Dr. Ramani Durvasula Youtube @DoctorRamani

Samantha Bachota: Instagram @informed_healing

A masterpiece for the all Wild Women: Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés